


Sometimes

by Sweet_Jazz



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Louis, Bottom Zayn, Cheating Harry, College, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Football Player Liam, Football Player Louis, Football Player Niall, Frat Boy Harry, Frat Boy Niall, Frat Boy Zayn, Kinda, Multi, Poor Louis, Rich Harry, Rimming, Romance, Top Harry, Top Liam, Writer Louis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-07-10 22:11:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7010254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweet_Jazz/pseuds/Sweet_Jazz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis has a blog that he think no one reads and treats it like his diary. He's posted every day since he started college, one day someone comments on a post and Louis freaks out because he never thought anyone would read it. Let alone a post of his nasty breakup with his boyfriend of two years. Louis is hurt, Harry had a few douche-bag moments. Zayn and Liam are having intimacy issues. Niall is stuck in the middle, but everything works itself out in the end. The story is written in 3rd and 1st person point of view with the occasional blog post from Louis!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is inspired by Sometimes by Ariana Grande! Really hope you like it! As of right now I'm just going with the flow! So all suggestions are appreciated! Also because Louis posts a blog everyday, the blog posts and the days correlate!

**BLOG POST NUMBER 1,845 DECEMBER 16, 2016**  
  
Love, love will fuck you up mentally. Those aren't just my words, those are the words of anyone who has loved and lost. I hate to start off our story with this, but you know the quote "tis better to have loved and lost then not to have never loved at all" is bullshit for anybody who was scorned by the person they loved. Sure later on in life when you find love again the quote may prove to be true, but as soon as your heartbreaks all sentiments of peace and understanding go down the drain. Break ups make you impulsive, irrational, angry, sad and just downright mental. Then there are things you should avoid after a breakup like the one night stands to numb the pain and feel close to someone or even the phone calls at three o'clock in the morning when your pissed drunk and you just want to know why. There's the passive aggressive posts on social media or in extreme cases vandalism. You know like slashing tires, toilet papering/egging their house. Visual evidence that shows that you're hurting and you think it's their fault. Some people say love hurts, but as my dad always said "love doesn't hurt. You hurt because the one person you loved and trusted with your heart did something to betray your trust or hurt you in ways you didn't know they could". The love Harry and I shared was beautiful. From the laughs to the petty arguments. Love didn't hurt me, Harry hurt me, Harry betrayed my trust. But when you're in love you don't worry about the warning signs that tell you things are getting worse and there is no turning back from this. This will be tattooed on your mind and heart. This will scare you and make you think you can never fall in love again if this is the pain that can be caused by loving someone so much you don't even have to think about it. Heartbreak is like a warning label on a pack of cigarettes, you know there are consequences, you just think it can never happen to you. Well this is a love story with angsty qualities and cliff hangers. This is the story of how Harry and I fell in love, and how I fell out of love with Harry(never completely of course) I hope this helps you know, you're not alone, and sometimes not thinking about it can be a good way to cope. 

**Louis T xx**

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**DAY 1,381**

I’m hunched in a stiff chair at the UCLA library chewing on my pencil trying to decipher Plato’s apology before I feel heavy hands start to massage my shoulders. Instead of panicking I slowly look back to see who the mysterious culprit is.

“Hey baby” Harry says smiling and leaning down to kiss me. “Hey Hazz, what are you doing here? I thought you had some frat thing going on today” I whisper leaning my head back to lay against his abdomen. He continues to massage my shoulders and looks down at me with soft eyes. “Wanted to see you” he simply states.

I smile and close my eyes. “what do you want from me?” I tease, “You’re only this nice when you did something wrong” I say chuckling.

Harry scoffs and looks down at me furrowing his brows “I am not! Remember when I massaged your sweaty, smelly feet after your game? You seriously needed a deep cleaning on those things!” he retorts gently shaking me.

“Then you told me that you accidentally put a red sock in my laundry and died all my whites, pink.” I say chuckling.

“Pure coincidence.” he mumbles and moves to sit next to me. “But since you asked, the boys at the frat want to go out and I know we had plans to stay home and catch up on Netflix...”

I quickly cut him off “Go Love, have fun” chuckling. “You know you could have just texted me, you didn’t have to come all the way here!”

“Oh yes I did! Last time I cancelled via text and you didn’t talk to me for a week” he argues gently grabbing my hand. “What are you reading anyways?”

“I am trying to analyze a piece for Plato, I have to make correlations between the play and political…” when I look up at harry his eyebrows raised and confusion is starting to take over his normally easy going expressions. “Just this play” I say finally just answering the question. Harry then hums and nods. “How much longer are you planning to stay? I could give you a ride home if you like” the curly hair lad suggests, now taking the play from my hands to read over the synopsis.

“Another hour or so, don’t you have to go get ready? I can take the bus” I say watching him fan through the play. Harry shakes his head. “No I can wait for you, no big deal. I don’t like you taking the bus” I smile and roll my eyes. “You don’t like me riding the bus, because you hate riding the bus”

“Same difference” he says looking at me and sticking his tongue out. I take the book from his hands and turn to the page where I left out and start to read again.

It wasn’t until I had read he same sentence about ten times that I noticed Harry was sighing a little too loudly for my liking that I looked up at harry with an annoyed expression. He was flipping his phone in his hand and looking at the ground. I continue staring at him until he stops and looks at me curiously. I raise my eyebrows and look at him until he turns toward the table and sets his phone down.

I relax and go back to the play and start reading again, I almost finished a page before my annoying boyfriends phone starts blaring the candy crush theme song. I bite my lip and look up at the ceiling then turn to harry clearing my throat. Harry looks up from his phone directing his attention to me. “Everything okay baby?” he asks softly.

I give him a tight lipped smile and nod. “Yeah I’m fine, but can you turn the volume down? I can’t really concentrate” I whisper. Harry’s eyes widen and he quietly apologizes before he mutes his iPhone and goes back to play the game. I relax a bit and go back to studying almost getting through the first act when Harry sets his phone down and start shaking his leg and making random noises with his mouth.

“Harold, honey if you’re bored you can go without me.”

            “What no, I’m not bored!” he whispers looking surprised.

            “Then would you be quiet!” I yell slamming my hands on the table. Suddenly everyone decides to look up from their studies. “Young man, people are studying. Please keep it down” the old librarian says scandalized at his outburst. Harry just looks at me and tries to hide his laugh behind a cough.

            “Yeah babe, keep it down” Harry whispers. I frown and look at him from the corner of my eye and go back to the play. To my luck this time Harry finds something more interesting on his phone and sits there long enough for me to finish the play completely. I then close the book and start putting my things into my backpack.

            “You’re done already?” Harry asks barely glancing up from his phone.

“What do you mean already Hazz, it has been about an hour” I say giggling lightly. “Were you too engrossed with your secret mistress that you lost track of time?”

            “Unless you count Niall as my mistress then, yes I was talking to my mistress” says grabbing my backpack from my hands. I chuckle and push the chair in and grab his hand as we walk to the door.

            Harry gently squeezes my hand when we leave the library and pulls me into a soft gentle kiss. “You sure you’re fine with me going out tonight? You seemed a little irritable in there” he whispers with worried eyes.

“Harry, I was irritable because you were getting on my nerves, not because I don’t want you to go out” I say softly looking into Harry’s eyes. I see him visibly relax as he leans back down to kiss me. “Okay” harry whispers when we break apart.

            “So guess what I’m going to be for Halloween?” Harry says suddenly very excited about the holiday quickly approaching. I laugh and shrug “I’m not sure, but I’m almost positive you will tell me!” as I’m waiting on harry to give me every vivid detail, I notice he’s frozen in place. “Well, aren’t you going to tell me?” I ask looking up at Harry

            Suddenly I notice that he’s very tense, I look at him then look in the same general area and see that his car has been vandalized. My jaw drops and I look around to see if the same thing has been done to the other cars. No other cars were damaged so I walk up to see if maybe it was some rival frat that decided Harry’s car needed a few new details. That’s when I notice the huge words painted onto his windshield. _CHEATER._

            “Cheater?” that’s strange, Harry who would do this?” I whisper. As if on que the perky blonde from Harry’s economics class crawls out of her car.

“I think it’s quite fitting! Don’t you Styles?” she asks looking at my boyfriend with a mischievous glint in her eyes. Harry still hasn’t said a thing; he’s just standing there in shock.

            Confusion starts to take over and I’m looking from Harry and the blonde waiting for one of them to say something. “I’m Chloe, you must be Louis. Nice to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you” she says holding out her hand. I look at her and go to shake her hand before Harry pulls me back.

            I look back at him hoping for some answers but Harry just looks at him with guilt in his eyes. “What’s going on?” I whisper to Harry slowly stepping back to look at him. Harry bites his lip and shakes his head.

            “I’m so sorry baby” Harry says grabbing his hand and squeezing it. “I was going to tell you” he whispers.

            “Tell me what, Harry what is going on?” I whisper looking all over his face for some kind of hint.

            Chloe, the random blonde chick scoffs. “He’s apologizing for sleeping with me on several different occasions” she says suddenly filling in the blanks. “For sleeping with me and God knows how many other people, saying you guys are on a break” Chloe spits out with a vicious venom that seemed to only add a heavy feeling on his heart.

            Suddenly my head is pounding as I am piecing everything together, what the girl is saying, Harry’s car, and Harry’s reaction. I suddenly can’t breathe or move. It’s like every muscle in my body has been covered with cement. I swallow thickly and look up at Harry. “Is it true, is she telling the truth?” I whisper glancing at Harry.

            “It was only a few times, we only… It wasn’t serious!” Harry says quickly moving to grab my face gently.  I quickly pull away and shove him. “A few times Harry? A few times with just her or a few times with multiple people!?” I yell still shoving him every time he gets close to me.

            “Fuck you Harry!” I say shoving him one last time before putting real distance between us.

He steps forward to grab me and I put my hands up to avoid contact. “Give me my bag” I whisper. “No Lou, you’re not leaving like this” I shake my head.

            “My work here is done, goodnight boys” Chloe says walking away as if she had nothing to do with the situation.

            I scoff and look back to Harry. “Please just give me my bag…” I whisper in defeat. Harry shakes his head and tightens his hold on my bag and looks at me trying desperately to make eye contact.

            I bite my lip and nod, “Harry you can’t make stay here by holding my things hostage. Stop being a child and give them to me!” I shout. Harry flinches and looks at my face.

            “You stop being a child and talk to me! Stop pulling away from me, ask me to explain!” Harry practically begs.

            I look into his eyes almost thinking that as I do it will fix everything and we can pretend it never happened. Instead I saw someone I didn’t recognize. Suddenly everything I was so sure of wasn’t as sure.

            “It’s over Harry. This, us… It’s over.” I say quietly looking at the ground. “So can I please have my bag?” I say starting to get frustrated.

“No, we’re not over, we can’t be” he says as he rushes to me.

“Hazz...”  I whisper quietly finally looking at him. I see the spark of hope glimmer in his eyes when I use the nickname. “We were over the day you cheated on me, we just didn’t know it yet” I say taking my bag from Harry.

 “Please Lou, let’s talk about this… please let me explain” he pleads grabbing my face to hold me close.

            “It’s been a long night, and you have a frat thing and I’m tired right now harry. I’m not in the mood, please let me go before I miss the last bus…” as I am trying to keep myself together so neither one of us breaks. Harry falls to his knees and wraps his arms around my middle. “I don’t care Lou. Please don’t leave like this, let me take you home at least”

            I look down at him and the tears start to fall. “No” I say pulling away from him and walked to the bus stop.

 

 

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**Blog post #1381 October 14, 2015**

_Unbreakapartable, a word Harry created to explain our relationship. A perfect word in my mind. So simple and it sounded so right you didn’t have to think about it. I didn’t have to think about a lot of things with Harry. Now I can’t stop thinking, the thoughts are spilling out of every nook and cranny in my mind. The thing that surprised me most was that a word that you used to warm my heart, now chilled my soul. Unbreakapartable, such a stupid word. Especially when you realize that the thing that was supposed to be Unbreakapartable, just snapped. And I’m not sure we can ever put it back together. He cheated… We broke up… It’s over._

                                                                                                **Louis T xx**


	2. Never Been So Caught Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning not edited! I wanted to get this chapter up and running! I hope you enjoy!

**Day 1,382**

**LOUIS POV**

The next morning, I didn’t really wake up. Considering that you actually have to go to sleep to wake up. Harry had insisted that calling, texting, and emailing me his apologies made sense at two o’clock in the morning. Though when all those attempts were failing he started banging on my door. You would think after two hours of knocking no one was coming through the door, but no not Harry. That determined ass hole kept knocking. Finally, when I went to the door I saw a red faced, distressed curly haired, drunk lad. Looking at me with hopeless eyes. Unfortunately for me, I decided to let him in. I made him sleep on the couch, but listening to the noises outside my room, I knew he was doing something in my kitchen. Which means he is still here and not giving me the space you’re supposed to when you break up.

                I slide out of bed and start walking towards the door to go to the kitchen, but when my hand touches the door handle I freeze. I’m frozen in my tracks and dreading facing the other person on the other side of that door. Dreading the conversation and the excuses that are about to fly my way.

                Instead of twisting the handle I move to lock it. When I hear the click confirming that my door is locked, I step back and take a deep breath. I continue looking at the door as I slowly back away expecting a green eyed boy to come barging in at any moment. When I hear the door knob jiggle and a light knock after the figure on the other side of the door realizes its locked I rush to the window.

                I’m ready to escape out the window when I hear a quiet thud and a soft whisper of my name. “We don’t have to talk. I know you didn’t eat yesterday. Please just come out” Harry whispers.

I sigh loudly and look at the door for a couple of seconds until I hear a whistle of a teapot. I roll my eyes and walk over to open the door. “I’m not here for food. I’m here for the tea.” Louis says pushing past the bigger lad and walking to the kitchen.

                “I’m rubbing my face as I walk to the kitchen evaluating my situation. Is this normal? For your ex to make you breakfast and tea after the _I cheated on you multiple times_ ball has dropped. “Sup Tommo!”

I have to actively restrain myself from groaning when I see all our friends in my small kitchen. “Hey Payno” I say forcing a smile.

“You and Harry have a tiff yesterday? I couldn’t help but notice that someone used the couch bed” Zayn says in a teasing matter.

                “Yeah, or something like that” I mumble walking over to the tea kettle.

“I made pancakes” I hear Harry say from somewhere. I’m trying really hard not to focus on it.

                “I just want tea” I mumble still refusing to look in his general direction.

“ANYWAYS, I have an assignment for psychology can you guys help me?” Niall says visibly trying to avoid any more awkwardness. When we all give our consent to be his guinea pigs for his assignment he jumps and runs to get his laptop.

“Okay… since both of you are couples” I fight the urge the roll my eyes and start pouring milk into my tea. “I’m going to ask some questions. Lou, what is Harry’s favorite color?”

“Blue” I reply easily. Niall looks at Harry for confirmation. Harry nods and looks down at his pancakes and pushes them around the plate.

                “Zayn, what’s Liam’s favorite color?” He asks looking at his laptop ready to type Zayn’s answer.

“Red” Zayn says as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. Although when everyone in the room gets extremely quiet, Zayn starts to panic. “It is, tell them baby it’s Red” Zayn says looking at Liam.

                I glance at Harry who looks at me and we make awkward eye contact before the other looks away. I sip my tea concerned with anything other than Harry and Liam’s favorite color.

                “No Zayn. My favorite color is purple. The color of my soccer shoes, and my bag…” Liam says suddenly looking very annoyed.

“But you have a Red car!” Zayn says almost trying to defend his claims.

                “Dude, his car is black” I say shaking my head.

“Zayn groans and slams his head down. “Please just ask a new question Niall” he mumbles as Liam scoffs taking a bite of his own pancakes.

                “Harry, what is Louis’ major?” Niall asks shaking his head.

“English” Harry quickly states. Niall looks at me and I nod.

                “Now that we’ve discovered who the exciting couple is. Liam, what is Zayn’s major?” Niall asks looking up from his computer.

“Uhm like engineering or something?” Liam says shaking his head.

                I fight the urge to laugh when Zayn lifts his head with a deadly look in his eyes. “Engineering!? Liam, really?” Zayn asks.

“What, you had to build that one thing for that one class you took last semester!” Liam defends.

                “That thing Li, would be a sculpture. For my sculpting class. Because I am an ART major!!!” Zayn yells.

                “You know, why are you getting so mad! You forgot my favorited color!”

“A color Liam! Not a life decision! I’m not going to be married to purple one day! I’m going to be married to a… an uhhh… You know whatever it is that you want to do!” Zayn says, argument suddenly losing steam.

                Harry and I look at each other with wide eyes as a smile starts to break across my face. Harry smiles back at me. I’m about to chuckle when I remember what happened yesterday and quickly look away.

“A what? Say it Zayn, your future husband will be a… Lawyer” Liam says slowly nodding his head. “You can’t be mad that I forgot, because you didn’t remember mine either!” Liam yells.

                “So… It looks like I got all the information I need! Niall says closing his laptop.

“Yeah, so did I! An engineer? I even gave you that sculpture!” Zayn says stabbing his pancakes.

                “Oh my gosh at least I had an idea of what you wanted to do! You said I wanted to be an _uhh_ ” Liam retorts

“Guys as entertaining as this sounds, can you talk about it later?” I ask suddenly wanting the arguments to stop.

                “Easy for you to say Lou! You and Harry are perfect” Liam says rolling his eyes.

“Or so you would think” I mumble. It slipped I didn’t mean to say it. It just slipped and suddenly everyone was looking at me except for Harry.

                “What does that mean Lou?” Niall asks. Everyone in the room eerily quiet and looking between Harry and I for answers.

“We broke up okay?” I say finally breaking the silence.

                “We didn’t break up. We are on a break…” Harry whispers.

“No Harry, we are not on a break… We’re over” Louis says glaring at him.

                “We’re on a break” Harry says again looking at our friends.

I slam my mug down on the counter and roll my eyes. “No Harry I’m done! It is over! Stop taking control of the situation and accept the fact that you CANNOT undue what has been done! Let alone MAKE me stay” it’s not until I’ve taken a deep breath that I start to feel the burn of hot tea on my hands. “Lou are you okay?” Harry asks rushing to my aid.

                “I’m fine! Don’t touch me… Li, can you help me bandage this up” I whisper.

“I’ll help you Lou!” Harry whispers.

                “I don’t want your help Harry” I say glaring at him and walking to the bathroom. I can only assume Liam sends Harry a sympathetic look and rushes to the bathroom.

 

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**HARRY POV**

                I resist the urge to throw the mug I took from Louis’ hands on the ground when he rushes to the bathroom. “So I’m guessing he found out” Niall whispers looking at Harry.

“Found out what?” Zayn asks looking between the two.

                “Yeah, he did… yesterday” say looking into the mug. I just can’t believe I fucked up so bad. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Me and Lou were supposed to graduate and then start on our masters, get an apartment together and live happily ever after.

“It was bound to happen sooner or later you know?” Niall says throwing away his pancakes.

                I just shake my head and look into the sink. It’s not like I wasn’t thinking when I did it. Its just…. You try having a boyfriend who doesn’t want to have sex until after he graduates with his bachelors! Unless you’re both virgins one party is bound to get pretty anxious.

                In the beginning it was fine. We were just friends who were hanging out and would kiss from time to time. Because at that time he wasn’t even sure he wanted a serious relationship that would distract him from school or soccer. But then something changed and I just wanted to be with him. No one else. I didn’t want him hanging out with Greg or any other guy, and I didn’t want to see anyone else either. So on New Year’s I prepared this whole speech and to my surprise he said yes.

                I was in heaven, telling him I could wait for him as long as it takes. That was almost two years ago, and you try having blue balls for a whole year. Hands only get you so far, it wasn’t even his hand! And it wasn’t until our first argument that I started sleeping around. He was away at a game and he was sharing a room with that Greg kid I mentioned before. Not Niall or Liam, Greg. The one who has a major crush on him. I got mad and remembered hanging up on him and ignoring his calls the whole night.

                Low and behold like moths to a flame the people started coming. I was at a party drinking and dancing when a pretty little blonde landed in my lap. And I’m guessing you can assume what happened after that. It started with Taylor, then Cara, Stephanie, Ed, Joey, Liz, Rachel, Jonah, and last and very least Chloe with her best friend Yazmin soon following in her footsteps the night louis found out. But I never met with her so I’m not even sure she counts.

                They were just temporary, while Lou was supposed to be permanent. The only person that knew was Niall and he was sworn into secrecy. Again I know I sound like a jerk but, in reality it was only because I was horny. Niall used to say think what you would do if Lou did this to you. But the thing was, Louis would never do that to me.  I couldn’t even imagine it.

“Harry, what did you do?” Zayn asks now suddenly very worried.

                “I cheated…” Harry whispers still looking into the sink.

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It wasn’t until we were in the bathroom that I let myself fall apart. I cried yesterday, but those were the same kind of tears that you shed when you watch a sad movie. I truly fell apart when I entered my restroom. Not from the burn on my hands but because the finality of our relationship had sent in.

I let Liam bandage up the small burns and looked at him. “can you make them leave?” I ask looking up at Liam with pleading eyes.

“Yeah, do you want me to stay?” he asks looking back down at me with sympathy and pity in his eyes.

                I look at the wall and shake my head. “I just want to be alone…”

Liam nods and slips out of the restroom. I hear people talking and suddenly Liam yells “He doesn’t want to see you!” I jump a little and then lean against the bath tub until I hear the click of my front door shut. I slowly stand up and leave the restroom looking around. When I’m sure no one is around I walk to my bedroom and crawl into my bed and let the typhoon of exhaustion take over me and send me into a deep sleep.

                I would not have woken up if it weren’t for my phone going off.

**Liam: Don’t starve yourself, please eat something. We have practice tomorrow; we don’t need you fainting on us. Plus if I didn’t tell you Harry would have never left me alone.**

I throw my phone back onto my bed and stood up to got to the kitchen and make me something to eat. Since I was too lazy to actually cook something I settled for an apple and some water. I slowly ate and looked around my kitchen taking notice someone actually cleaned before they left. I sigh and shake my head until I realized I haven’t posted a blog for the day. I moved to grab my laptop and opened a new post.

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**Blog # 1382 October 15, 2015**

_I’m hurting._

**Louis T xx**

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                That is all I can bring myself to say. The wound is still too fresh to dive into any detail. It’s not like yesterday when I was close to numb. Today I was in pain and those two words said so much more than a detailed play by play ever would. I go to close my laptop when a notification pops up on my blog. “Anonymous posted a comment” I read aloud. What this cannot be right. I say quickly clicking the notification.

_Anon_

_“This too shall pass”_

My heart sinks as I read the quote over and over. Trying to decipher who in the world this Anonymous person was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments of all kinds are always welcome!


	3. Still So Into Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like it!

**DAY 1,395**

HARRY POV

                “What is my middle name?” Zayn asks looking at Liam expectantly. Niall’s little questionnaire had really caused a rift in their blissful relationship. Suddenly Zayn was asking Liam little questions he should probably should have known and it was driving everyone mad. Because as soon as Liam would get a question wrong he would ask me the same question about Louis. Normally I would be fine, or even smug when answering the questions. Considering the fact that me and Lou aren’t together anymore, the questions are getting pretty annoying.

“Jared?” Liam says hands rubbing at his eyes.

                “No Liam… It is not _Jared;_ it is Javadd! Li! Javadd!” He says in a mocking tone and a glare in his eye.

“Jar-RAD and Ja-VADD kind of sound the same! It is possible for anyone to get confused!” Liam says trying to defend his answer.

“No Liam, the only thing similar between those names is that they both start with a _J”_ I say shaking my head.

 “EXACTLY! Now Harry, what is Louis’ middle name?” he proceeds to ask me

“William, Zayn. His middle name is William” I mumble slowly starting to bang my head against the table as Zayn texts Louis to find out his middle name.

                It’s been about two weeks since Lou and I broke up, and it is not getting any easier. It doesn’t help the fact that he has skipped the one class we had together every day. Or when we go to a pub only one of us is invited at a time. So no one has to deal with the awkwardness. Lou will always ask if I am going, to determine whether or not he is going.

                There is a brief moment of silence while Zayn stares at his phone waiting for Louis to reply. Zayn, the only other person in the group that thinks things will get better. That me and Louis can still work through this and get out of this bleak tunnel that we have entered.

                I didn’t cheat on Lou because I didn’t love him. I cheated because it was easy. It was easy to get what I needed without Louis finding out. He was so trustworthy that it took little to no effort to cover it up. He’d go to an away game; I would get what I needed. I told him there was a frat thing, and go out and get what I needed. They were quick, no strings attached affairs. Simple. Get what I needed and leave. Depending on what I needed, certain people would get a call back.

                Their numbers and names would be saved in my phone with a brief description. If anyone ever got to attached their name and number would be deleted from my phone. The same way they were deleted in my mind. It was always easy to find replacements. You don’t have to remember little things like their last names or their majors. Let alone their favorite color. It is too much of a hassle anyways. I never kissed them, held their hand, or asked them about themselves. It didn’t make any sense. They’d soon be forgotten anyways.

The thing is, I could remember every little detail about Louis. The small tiny freckles that laid on random areas of skin. The _special_ way he laces his soccer cleats to maintain the luck. The way he pokes out his tongue when he is concentrating. Little things that don’t sound important but are.

                “How is it that you two have been dating nearly twice as long as Lou and I did, and you do not know any of this information?” I finally ask looking up from the table to glare.

“No offense, but you’re in no place to judge our relationship” Liam spits my way.

                “Li…” Zayn whispers grabbing the bigger lads hand.

“I was not judging. I was making an observation.” I say glaring back at the bigger lad.

                “Maybe you should keep that to yourself, amongst other things” Liam mumbles. I was about to stand up and ask who’s being judgy now, but I heard a ding go off from a phone sitting on the table.

“Would you look at that! Louis’ middle name is William!” Zayn says showing the phone between me and Liam. Liam looks at Zayn and shakes his head. “Hey, I know things are tense right now but they will get better soon!” Zayn says squeezing Liam’s hand.

                “For who? For Lou? For Harry? He cheated Zayn. Lou is not going to just bounce back and recover. Him and Harry are not getting back together anytime _soon_ Z!” Liam says shaking his head.  “Think if I did that to you Z? Think if I cheated on you for just about a year? Would you get better _soon_!?” Liam asks standing up. “Because I wouldn’t be better _soon_ it would take a whole lot longer than _soon_ for me to get over that monumental screw up. “I know you want to keep the group together Z, but maybe everybody just needs some time.” He finishes. “I’m gonna go. Call me when you’re done” Liam whispers. Standing up and leaving the coffee shop without as much of a glance in my direction.

                “Why aren’t you mad at me? You’re his best friend” I say looking at Zayn’s face as he watches his boyfriend leave.

“Because I’m not a dick to you does not mean I’m not mad at you, it means that you and I have a separate relationship from mine and Lou’s. That and all that shit that is going on, is between you and Louis. I’m nowhere in it” Zayn says finishing his coffee. “Anyways, I’m going to go. I know Li has an away game coming up. Want to get as much time as we can in before he leaves” Zayn says leaving the money for him and Liam on the table before hugging me and leaving. I sit looking at him leave the coffee shop and put my head back on the table to stop all the worrying that Louis and I, may never be Louis and I Ever again.

 

**LOUIS POV**

It has been about two weeks since the comment, and I probably check my email about ten times to really confirm that the comment was real. Sure I get views on the page, I just thought all of them were me! Not an actual person.

                Every time I think about it, I remember all of the things I’ve posted. My sexual frustration, my first crush, Harry. A whole lot of Harry. Harry’s hands, his hair, his eyes, his arms, the slow way he talks. Just a lot of things about Harry.

                Basically things you would put in your diary. I never tried to promote it to get people to view it, I posted it as my way to talk about it, and let my feelings be known. I have never told anyone about it. It was too private to even let anyone know it existed.

I mean Niall found out I had one by accident but I never told him the web address. Even if he googled me I don’t think he’d be able to find it. Unless he was, Niall being the persistent ass he is could have easily found it. Though he would probably never read it knowing how personal it was.

                There is no easy way to tell who left the comment because they were anonymous and did not have to leave any information behind to leave me any clues about who they were. Even though I’m embarrassed to know that this person may know too much. I take comfort in the fact that they know things will get better. That they cared enough to let me know things will be okay, because before that comment I was not too sure.

                My phone suddenly goes off to alert me of yet another text message from Zayn. I roll my eyes and pick it up.

**ZAYN: What is your middle name?**

**ME: Do I even want to know why you keep asking me these questions?**

**ZAYN: Becaaaause Harry said it was William?**

**ME: He was right.**

I roll my eyes and go to my kitchen to grab a glass of wine. This breakup is hard enough without your friends acting like nothing ever happened. Harry cheated, I’m sure it was once or twice, or that girl said a few. How many is a few? Three or more right? Not more than that, I’m sure. He wouldn’t do that to me. I know I thought he wouldn’t cheat on me, but he wouldn’t constantly cheat on me, right? Or would he?

                As each question fills my mind I find myself pouring glass after glass. Sooner or later glass after glass turns to bottle after bottle. Next thing you know; wine turns to vodka.

                I want to ask him. I want to call him and ask him why. So this can pass and we can move on. So I can move on from this.

                Before I knew it, I was dialing a number I knew by heart. My eyes were clenched shut, nervous to see if he would even answer. After three or four rings I hear his deep slow voice that still makes my heart skip a beat.

                “Lou? Boobear? Hello?” I hear him say the excitement evident in his voice.

“How many Hazz?” I whisper hands gripping the counter.

                “Lou...” he whispers not wanting to tell me.

“Just answer the question Harry”

                “About nine or ten” he mumbles.

“Times? Or people Harry?” a question I should not have asked.

                “People, Louis. About ten people, more than once…” He whispers.

I groan as the tears fill my eyes and I throw my wine glass into the sink, still gripping the phone close to my ear. “I loved you, why? I didn’t even want to date you! You asked me, Harry” I say crying. It was my own fault. I should have known how crazy I was to get into a relationship with him.

                “It wasn’t your fault. Maybe I wasn’t ready, but I know I love you”

He wasn’t ready. That is what he was saying. He wasn’t ready to be serious. I rubbed my face and looked at the counter.  Just trying to think of what was being said. I loved him, I still love him. But this information hurts.

                I sigh listening to Harry breath on the other line, letting everything sink in. I squeeze my eyes shut and it feels like I’m trying to hold onto something between us that doesn’t exist. It’s almost as if everything I knew about him was a lie.

                “Boo? You still there?” the boy on the other line asks as if hes trying to hold on just as tight as I am.

                “I’m still here…” I whisper for some reason not able to hang up the phone.

“What now?” he whispers, sounding just as scared.

                “I don’t know” I whisper, because I really don’t know.

“Do you want me to hang up?” He asks and that thought makes me lose my breath and get nervous.

                “Please don’t” I whisper leaning my head on the counter. I wanted him on the line. I wanted him here. I wanted to work through this but I knew I couldn’t.

                “Did you still want to know more?” he asks hesitantly

“No, definitely not” I lay my head down on the counter to cool my face down.

                “Do you still love me?” he whispers

“Unfortunately” I whisper back slowly sinking to the floor.

                “I love you” Harry says more confidently

“You don’t do this to people you love Harry”

                “Maybe I wasn’t ready to love you, and didn’t know how else to cope”

“We both weren’t ready”

                “But I did Lou, I do love you. I’m just not ready to love you, the way you deserve”

“No one deserves to be loved this way” I say hiding my head between my knees, phone still pressed to my ear.

                “Maybe soon I can love you the way you deserve”

“It might be too late for that Hazz” I whisper biting my lip

                “Don’t say that…”

“Mmmm” is all I say to that, loosening my grip on the phone. “Goodnight Harry” I whisper before hanging up the phone.

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**BLOG #1,395 October 28, 2015**

_What do you do when you still love someone who doesn’t know how to love you? Because I still love him so much…_

**Louis T. xx**

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think! Good or Bad!!


	4. Never Thought I'd Be Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup, had to be done. I'm sorry.

**DAY 1,398 October 31, 2015**

**~  L  ~**

“Hey Lou, all the boys are going to the frats Halloween party, you want to come?” Liam asks me, looking at me with worried eyes.

We just won our last away game for a few weeks and everyone is on an adrenaline rush, not to mention it’s Halloween, an excuse for the frat to have a party. We’re about three hours away from home and as much as I want to say no, I’m on an energy high and need to get it out of my system.

“Yeah, I don’t see why not, it should be fun” I say shrugging looking at Niall and Liam.

“You know it is my frat right?” Niall asks as if trying to warn me that harry would be there.

                “Yeah, I just need to burn some of this energy” I say, “Plus, if it gets too much I could just leave”

Liam and Niall just look at each other and nod. Niall leans back in his seat and talks to some of the other guys and Liam looks at me. “You sure? You and I could just go to a club or something, you know? I’m sure Zayn would understand” Liam whispers.

                “I’m sure, plus if I take you away from Zayn while you’re on your post game high he’ll hate me.” I say chuckling punching Liam’s shoulder.

                In a world where Harry didn’t cheat on me, this would be perfect. It’s Halloween, one of Harry’s favorite days and I had an away game that wasn’t too far away from home, so I’d be home before the night even really truly started. Harry would drive up to see the away game and I’d more than ride home with him, stopping for In and Out Burger, then making out for a while until it was time for the party. Then when the party is over we’d fall asleep tangled up together in his bed, and the next morning he’d make me chocolate pancakes with some of the leftover Halloween candy.

                But now I’m going to the same party alone, with high hopes of seeing Harry. In hopes I can still fall asleep with him and get chocolate pancakes the next morning. I bite my lip and look out the window holding on to the little piece of hope just waiting to get home.

 

When we get to the campus I walk to the bus stop to get home and get changed. “Hey Lou, let me give you a ride home” someone yells to me as the bus pulls up. “What really? I mean I kinda live out of the way” I say looking at the boy with a shy smile.

“What and let a cute boy like you take the bus? No way” he says smiling and grabbing my bags from my hands.

I blush and look away. “Greg are you sure? I don’t want you to have to drive more than you need too” I say as he starts walking.

“I’m starting to think you don’t want a ride” he laughs finally looking back at me.

“NO! I’m really relieved actually, thank you” I say catching up to him and nudging him to the side.

               

It’s a quiet but comfortable drive to my apartment. He has some random hipster band playing in the background and the car kept at a comfortable temperature. “You played awesome today by the way” Greg says glancing at me and smiling softly.

“You’re just saying that because I passed the ball to you, instead of going for the goal on my own” I say chuckling and Greg laughs with a sparkle in his eye and nods. “That and you definitely intentionally nailed that guy in the shin after he tripped you”

“I have no clue what you are talking about James…” I say smirking and looking out the window.

“Of course you don’t Tommo, I’m probably just imagining your triumphant smile when he pushed you”

“You were, maybe we should get you checked for a concussion, because I’m sure you were hallucinating” I say with an even broader smile now looking at him.

Greg laughs a hardy laugh and we go back to our comfortable silence. Watching the street lamps float past us.

When we get to my place I invite Greg up and he sits in the living room while I try to put together some last minute costumes for us to wear to this party. Finally I found a plain t-shirt and I write out costume on it and go back to the living room.

“That is your costume? A shirt that says _costume_ on it?” he asks with a smirk.

“Hey, don’t judge! You don’t even have a costume!” I say pointing to his outfit.

                “I am a sociopathic killer, I look just like you, but you’d never know!” He says smugly.

“I hate you.” I say walking past him to leave the apartment as I hear him laugh and close my door behind him. I look back at him to see him smiling at me and looking pretty excited.

                “why are you so happy?” I ask turning to look forward.

“We just never got to hang out like this before. It’s pretty nice.”

                “It is really nice” I say honestly smiling back at him. I turn back to the front and walk to the car humming a couple of the songs we were listening to on the way here as Greg unlocks his car.

 

We get to party much faster than I expected and suddenly I’m a little nervous. I’m going to a party that Harry is attending. I freeze for a second just looking at the frat, feeling like I’m about to barf out of nerves and worry.

                I feel Greg’s hand grab mine and I look at him. “We can leave whenever you want, and I got your back, Okay?” He asks looking me in the eyes and I can’t help but nod. I look at our hands intertwined and my worry is replaced with shock and confusion. Greg smiles and climbs out of the car and starts walking to my side, but before he can open my door I hop out of the car and close the door behind me shoving my hangs in my pockets.

                Greg chuckles and leads me to the door. He doesn’t bother knocking and just walks in with me trailing behind. Loud music suddenly fills my ears as we walk through a crowd of random people in crazy costumes.

                 I follow Greg to the backyard where people are playing beer pong and doing keg stands and other outdoor party games. Greg goes to the cooler and grabs us both a beer and walks back over to me. I’m discreetly looking around the backyard to see if harry is back here and that is when I see him. Arms wrapped around Nicks waist placing random kisses on his neck.

                I scoff and take the drink from Greg’s hand and look away from the scene. “Everything okay? You look kind of pissed” Greg says leaning into me so I can hear. “Yeah, sorry I just hate this song” I say clearly lying.

                “Okay, want to dance with me?” Greg asks still leaning in pretty close. I look back to Harry who still wrapped around Nick, but is suddenly looking at me. I look back to Greg and nod grabbing his hand and pulling him inside.

                We get to the center of the dance floor and I start dancing. We’re just swaying back and forth facing each other at first, keeping our hands to ourselves until one of Greg’s hands goes to my waist, pulling me closer. I reluctantly put my hand on his shoulder and sway with him slowly inching closer and closer to each other getting so close we’re chest to chest.

                Greg looks down at me and smiles such a sweet and tender smile that I can’t help but smile back. I bite my lip and look back down, taking a sip of my drink. He laughs and leans his head down looking at his shoes.

                I look back up at him and smile “Why are you laughing?” I say leaning on my toes to whisper in his ear.

“Because I’m totally taking advantage of the fact that you’re newly single” He whispers.

                “Are you now?” I ask smiling looking into his eyes.

“Oh yeah, I am so using this as my opportunity to woo you”

                “What happens after you woo me?” I ask finishing my drink.

“Hopefully we can hang out again after this, maybe take you on a real date?” Greg whisper hand shaking slightly.

                “I would like that” I say softly. I’m not sure if it’s the alcohol, jealousy, or me actually saying that. I just know that at this time, it sounds like a good idea. I look passed Greg and make eye contact with Harry again, but this time it’s him and Nick crawling up the stairs to Harry’s room. We hold contact for a few seconds until Nick pulls Harry into a heated kiss.

                My heart drops as I see Harry squeeze his hips, pulling him closer. When they break away Harry looks back to me and then reluctantly back to Nick following him into the room that is probably the third one on the left. Harry’s bedroom, the room I was stupidly hoping I’d be sleeping in.

                “Would you believe me if I said I was ready to go home?” I asked looking at Greg, he looks worried but nods, not asking any questions.

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**Blog #1,398 October 31, 2015**

_There is boy. A nice boy. But he’s not you, and no one ever will be. I wish he was you. Never thought there would be a day I’d long to have you close. Never thought I’d see you kiss someone else. That killed me, I know it’s happened before. But knowing and seeing are different. Seeing hurts more. Seeing it killed me. I keep seeing it. I wish I didn’t. It makes me feel sick. I can’t believe I thought tonight was going to be special._

**Louis T.xx**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter sucked a little but I had to introduce Greg before the next chapter! Because It is about to go down! So next chapter expect drama x10! Thanks again for reading guys!


	5. Authors Note

I'm back from Vacation! So this sunday there will be a couple new chapters! Sorry for keeping you guys waiting so long! Soooo get ready for some drama!


	6. Should've Turned to Dust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super sorry it took so long! Life just kinda happened! Went on Vacation, Laptop CRASHED, I go back to school tomorrow! Buuuuuuut here it is! I hope you like it! Might be a few errors! Wanted to get it posted, couldn't keep you waiting any longer! Hope you enjoy it!

Day 1663 August 22, 2016

                  October 31st was the last time I saw Harry Styles. It has been 265 days, not that I’m counting. We have both graduated with our bachelors. I should assume that he is either working on his masters or working, probably both. I have blocked him off of everything, so that I didn’t have to see the party pictures on Facebook, the cute retweets to randoms, or even the hipster shit he posts on his Instagram.

                I had Zayn and Liam promise not to tell me anything about him unless I ask, which I haven’t, and I also made them promise not to tell him anything about me. He doesn’t deserve to know how I am doing. Though I might have to say I am doing pretty freaking well for myself. Kinda. I have my dream job, a boyfriend, getting my masters, living in my own apartment. Things sound perfect right? Wrong.

                While I was apartment shopping all I could think was “Harry would love this” or “No I don’t think Harry would like this. So of course I went with the apartment I was sure Harry would hate. It made me feel better for a little while. Until I realized I wasn’t even sure what I liked. It wasn’t until I met Andy that I started picking out things that I liked. I got a green tea kettle, because I love tea, a big calendar that counted the days, and I bought a Ficus. Which is just a big tree that gives me something besides myself to take care of. I have a huge bookshelf with all my favorite books and a small place to work in my little loft apartment. It’s slowly becoming everything I dreamed.

                Even though it’s near perfect, I don’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would. The person who I imagined sitting in this perfect apartment wasn’t my current boyfriend Andy, but someone who probably didn’t even see a proper future with me. 265 days of me trying to figure out why he made such an imprint on my heart. How does he leave this big of a stain on my entire being that every other thought is about him? I am constantly counting, how many days with him, without him, how many days with Andy, how many days I’m at work, how many hours I’m wasting thinking of him. The counting never ends. And it is a subconscious decision I make every morning when I look at the calendar or a clock.

                Sometimes I wish I lost count.

“Lou? Are you cooking something? Smells like something is burning.” Andy calls from my bedroom.

                “Fuck…” I whisper, so much for a homemade dinner. “How’s Indian sound for takeout?”  call back up to him.

                “What happened to your casserole?” Andy asks walking down.

“Don’t make me say it” I say throwing the whole pan in the sink.

                “Mmm so something was burning” Andy asks smirking and hugging me from behind.

“I think it’s my oven” I say turning in his arms to hide my face in his chest.

                “Oh yeah? Are you sure your pretty little head wasn’t off somewhere in the clouds?” And mumbles into my head.

“It was not that far in the clouds” I whisper looking up at him and kissing his chin.

                “Mm hard to believe Lou, but to answer your previous question, I already ordered your favorite when I smelled the burning” Andy says smiling and kissing me.

“What did I do to deserve you? Although you have no faith in my cooking ability.” I saying chuckling and pulling away.

                “The real question is, why am I so lucky to have you?” he whispers gently poking my nose.

                I smile and joking snap at his finger. This man really is freaking amazing, and patient and doesn’t mind my trust issues. Texting me regularly when he is out without me. The best part is that I never had to ask him to do it, he just does. Randomly texting me goofy pictures and things he thinks will make me smile, all those cheesy things that everyone wishes for, he does. I’m still not convinced he’s human. His perfection is comforting and torturing at the same time. He deserves someone who isn’t so damaged, he deserves someone on the same level of perfection.

                “So babe, there’s this guy at the office having this small get together at this hole in the wall bar and he invited me to go” Andy says after pulling away to grab a glass of water.

“That sounds fun, you should go” I say looking at him poor his water picking at the beds of my nails.

                “Yeah, will you go with me?” He asks looking down in his glass.

“You want me to go to the bar with you, and your coworkers?” I ask looking up.

                “Yeah… I mean I talk about you enough that everyone is asking about you, and I mean things seem like they are getting more serious. You did introduce me to your best friend and your sister, and you took my brother sightseeing. I just thought you wouldn’t mind meet-” Andy rambles before I stop him by gently pecking his lips.

“How much time do I have to get ready, after we eat of course” I whisper against his lips

                “As long as you need, as long as that means you’re coming with me” He whispers back.

“Of course that means I will go with you! You big doof” I say gently pushing at his chest. Andy gently pulls me back and kisses me passionately, and the kiss slowly gets hotter and hotter, he slowly slips his knee between my thighs and starts moving it back and forth. I moan into his mouth and grip his T-shirt, and start grinding back against him.

                Andy starts trying to slip his hand into my pants and my doorbell goes off. “Dinners ready” I whisper slipping from his hold and grabbing my wallet to go get the food.

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                After we finish dinner I go upstairs and get ready. Quickly showering and lazily doing my hair, just trying to tame it. I look in my closet and pull out a plain pair of black skinny jeans and a white tee with a black blazer and black vans. Dressing it up a little, I am meeting his posh coworkers.

                When I’m done getting ready I run down the stairs and spin around for Andy, “How do I look? Like a fancy writer” I ask laughing just a little.

                “You look… Man how did I ever get you to go on a date with me?” Andy asks in feigning shock.

“Ha-Ha” I say mockingly and kiss him once more. “Are you ready?” I ask putting my wallet into my pocket.

                “Very ready, especially now that I can finally show you off to all my work friends too” Andy says grabbing his keys and my hand as he gently pulls me out the door.

“So who is this work friend anyway, what’s his name?” I ask after I close the door behind me and lock it.

                “Oh he’s new, I haven’t mentioned him yet, he actually graduated from the same college you did! His name is Nick.”

                I stop abrubtly, theres no way, it can’t be Nick Grimshaw, the odds of that would be one million to one. Nick went back to work in London. It definitely was not the same Nick.

                “You okay Lou, looks like you’re back in la la land” Andy says looking at me concerned.

“Yeah, it’s silly. I think I forgot to water my ficus, but it should be fine” I say shaking my head.

                “Not silly, very cute how much you tend to your plants” Andy says kissing my cheek and squeezing my hand taking me to his car.

“What can I say, what I lack in cooking skills, I make up for with my green thumb” I say as I crawl into the passenger seat.

                We drive in silence with Andy holding my hand and gently squeezing it every time we hit a stop sign, and eventually we make it to this venue that is a hipster bar with a garden and indie music and I’m positive Harry would love this place. I slowly climb out of the car looking around, and taking in my surroundings when Andy comes up behind me hugging me tightly.

                “Getting cold feet?” He whispered clearly worried.

“Of course not, are you?” I ask gently pulling his hand to kiss it.

                “Definitely not” He whispers back, pulling away to grab my hand and escort me inside.

When we get inside I see a rustic bar with pool tables, booths, darts, people. It is actually really nice.

                “Andy! You’re late! I thought you’d never show!” I hear an oddly familiar British accent yell.

“Not late Grimshaw! You said tenish! That is an open ended time!” Andy yells back. I have my back turned to whomever he’s talking to. But I already know who it is. The odds are not in my favor. I take a deep breath and turn around.

                “Louis Tomlinson!? Is that you!?” Nick yells when he sees my face.

“Nick? Honestly thought I’d never see you again”

                “And whys that Tommo?” Nick asks with an evil smirk.

“Thought you were moving back to London to be honest dude” I say chuckling giving him the nicest smile I could muster.

                “Well my _friend_ convinced me not to” Nick says with the same smirk shaking his head.

“Wait, you know each other?” Andy asks surprised.

                “Yeah we, uh…” I stutter about to lose all the confidence I could muster.

“We went to the same college, Tommo and some of my other fraternity brothers played footie together so he came around the frat house quite often” Nick says looking like the snake he is.

                “Wow, what are the chances?” Andy asks excited that we have a _friend_ in common.

“Which reminds me! Let me introduce you to my friend, he actually owns this bar!” Nick says pulling Andy and I towards the bar. “Bartender! I have some new customers that would love to meet you!” Nick yells obnoxiously slamming his hand on the counter. I subtly roll my eyes when I hear a slow familiar voice mutter “Keep it down Grimmy, you’ll run off my other customers with that shrill voice of yours!”

                I hear him before I see him, and when I see him, he sees me and stops in his footsteps, while I stop breathing.

                “Louis?” the voice mutters almost sounding like I’m under water.

“Harry.” I whisper back letting go of Andy’s hand.

 


	7. Let's Be Honest Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School. Is. Kicking. My. Butt.   
> Sorry it took so long, next post is next sunday!

Day 1444 December 16, 2015 _FLASHBACK_

**~H~**

                Today is the day that we graduate. “We” I say that like I’m graduating with him. Like I’m walking across the stage with him watching me with excitement and vice versa. Taking pictures in our cap and gowns and our families all around us smiling with balloons before we go to dinner. That was the way it was supposed to go. That was the way I had pictured it, I’m pretty sure that that’s how he pictured it too. Thinking about the way things are supposed to go makes me feel pretty numb to the way things are going.

                I’m not walking in today’s graduation; I’m not even graduating. Instead I’m bussing tables in a slow bar on the outskirts of the city. Things have changed almost too drastically in the span of a month and a half. It was as if the things that I had previously wanted and strived for, were now meaningless. I guess I could give you an idea about when I started to think this was all bullshit. The night of the party I had some solid hookups waiting for me, I didn’t think Lou was coming, and when I saw him, I knew he was going to take me back, I could see it in his sweet face and I couldn’t let that happen. Not yet. Louis thought he was ready to forgive me and have me back, but I knew the minute we got back together, self-doubt, worry, jealousy, and all insecure feelings that accompany being cheated on will slowly tear us apart in unfixable ways. I couldn’t let all hope just vanish.

                I figured Lou would leave when he saw me with Nick, but I never would have imagined he’d leave with someone else. That’s when it hit me, someone else could touch him, love him, kiss him in ways that I wouldn’t be able to for a while, if not ever. Someone will get to live a part of their life with him that I could only imagine. Louis was no longer MINE, even though he didn’t belong to anyone else, eventually he would and that scared the fuck out of me.

                Slowly I started to realize I didn’t want the previous life I had planned. I wanted a life I was proud of. Getting a job at my father’s company was not a personal accomplishment, but entitlement. Graduating school was never a goal, but an expectation. All the things that were so important to me slowly started to drift away, leaving me here. In an old bar, bussing tables outside of town.

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_PRESENT_

 “Louis?” the voice mutters almost sounding like I’m under water.

“Harry.” I whisper back letting go of Andy’s hand

Andy looks between Harry and I, while Nick goes to grab his arm and slowly drag him over to their other coworkers. Andy reluctantly follows and I’m still looking at harry. So much about him has changed in 265 days and I’m pretty sure all of the physical aspects are for the better. Tattoos, longer hair, bigger everything, let’s just say it’s for the better.

“Who’s the blonde?” Harry is suddenly asking me as he wipes down the counters.

“My boyfriend.” I say tapping on the counter softly.

“Mmm” Harry says still looking at the counters.

          “ _Mmm_ , what is that supposed to mean?” I say looking at him.

“Nothing, just acknowledging what you said” Harry mutters

          “You weren’t at graduation…” I mumble

“Nope” he says popping the ‘p’ and starts picking up some trash.

          “Why?” I ask now looking at him intensely.

“ _Why_ do you care?” Harry asks finally stopping.

          “ _Why do you care_ who Andy is?” I ask looking in his eyes.

“Curiosity.” Harry answers. “are you guys serious?” Harry suddenly asks.

          “Kinda, Yeah.” I say looking back at Andy who’s laughing and then looks at me with a small smile. I smile back and he winks and goes back to talking with his friends. “Why?” I ask looking back to Harry.

          “Curiosity.” Harry states flatly. “I didn’t graduate” Harry says finally.

I look at him with wide eyes. “Wha- why?”

          “I didn’t want to.” He said ducking down into the bar to grab some drink glasses and starts wiping them down.

          “Oh… So you bought a bar?” I ask not wanting the conversation to die.

“You could say that I guess.” Harry says still not looking up from those damn glasses.

          “Why are you still over here? Your _boyfriend_ keeps glancing over here, why aren’t you with him?” Harry finally asks.

          I don’t have an answer, I don’t know why I’m still sitting here, or why I’m waiting on him to talk to me, or why I want him to look at me so badly. So instead of answering I fish mouthing trying to come up with an answer.

“Let be honest Lou, you’re wondering if I miss you, how my life is going, blah, blah, blah. I don’t miss you, life’s going great, and I really think you should go back over there with your little boyfriend, or is he just a rebound, do you miss me?” Harry whispers leaning down so we are face to face.

          My hand flies out and I slap his face. “You’re obviously miserable, because the Harry I knew wasn’t such a dick, and my _little boyfriend_ is one of the sweetest people I have ever met, and he makes me happy. I don’t know why I thought maybe I could have you in my life as a friend again because, maybe I did miss you. But now I know it was a lapse in my judgement and a mistake I will never make again. Ass”. I say standing up and walking outside pulling a cigarette from my pocket.

          “Baby?” Andy says gently laying a hand on my shoulder.

“Hmm” I whisper blowing the smoke away from him.

          “You left a mighty red handprint on the owners face” Andy whispers leaning his head on my shoulder.

“He was an ass, who deserved it.” I whisper back.

          “Was that the Harry you told me about from college?” Andy asks looking me in the eyes.

“Yup.” I whisper looking back at him

          “You okay?” He asks now gently squeezing my hip.

“I’m not, not okay…” I whisper.

          “It’s okay, to be not okay.” He says gently kissing my forehead.

“No, because I have you, he shouldn’t be able to affect me” I say leaning in to his kiss.

          “Yeah, but you loved him, and he hurt you. I know it’s going to take time for you to heal. I knew that before I started dating you. I’m okay with that” Andy whispers.

“Seriously, how are you even real?” I whisper leaning on my toes to kiss him.

          Andy kisses me back and gently wraps his arms around me. Until we hear someone clear their throat.

Andy pulls away and looks to see who the person is, as I look past him and see Harry standing there. “Hey, you must be Harry, I’m Andy” Andy says reaching his hand out.

          “Nice to meet you,” Harry says shaking his hand. “Can I talk to Lou?” Harry asks looking from Andy to me.

          Andy looks back at me to see if it’s okay and I nod. Andy smiles and kisses my cheek and starts to walk inside. “We’ll talk about those cigarettes when we get home” Andy says before he’s fully inside.

          Harry looks at me raising an eyebrow.

“He’s been trying to get me to quit for months” I say shrugging.

          Harry nods and looks down at his brown boots. “Look, I’m really sorry for what I said in there. I guess it was just a shock to see you, and to see you with someone else. I handled it the wrong way” Harry says slowly.

          “It’s okay, I’m sorry I left a mark when I slapped you.” I mumble back.

Harry raises another eyebrow at me.

          “What? I’m not sorry I hit you. You deserved that, but I am sorry I hit you hard enough to leave a mark.” I say shrugging,

          Harry laughs and he looks at me and shakes his head. “Can we get lunch sometime and like catch up?” Harry asks looking at me.

          “Yeah, maybe…” I say looking up at Harry. “I’m not sure I’m ready…” I whisper looking at my shoes.

          “Well whenever you are, you know where to find me.” Harry says slowly walking back inside while I light another cigarette.

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**Blog Post #1663**

**Harry. Is. Back.**

**I’m screwed.**

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! I update every Sunday! (please do not post or translate to any other platform!)


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